Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
