I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pants are for mortals
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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