i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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