he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
