how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
