I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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