She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
