i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I had to cum in my sink.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
