Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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