i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
