haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And my parents said I crawled through the house
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
