Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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