I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
