Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
