Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i believe in u and ur pee
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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