Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
