her vagine was all disorganized.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
