I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
