Michael Bay diarrhea
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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