she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
