I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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