Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
