I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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