When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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