I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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