You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
