Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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