I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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