he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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