Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
