Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
