I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
