just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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