I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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