Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
