someone get that fucking seahorse.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
