I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
