my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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