is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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