ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
