I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
