They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
