Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Found the puke drawer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
