New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
