I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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