i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize