apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
