how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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