I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize