My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Boobs speak an international language.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
