yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
