I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't put those talents on a resume
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
