When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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