It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
