Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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