I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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