you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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