found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So much rum. So many feels.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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