I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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