Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My vagina just clenched in fear
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
