just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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