a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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