I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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