like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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