my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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