oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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